General Principles

Discipline is teaching a child about limits, expectations, responsibilities, developing self-control, confidence and learning to control impulses and frustration.

While punishment is sometimes useful to teach a child a what not to do, the key to discipline is encouraging and praising the child for what he should be doing, teaching a child how to do the right things and having the child learn how to conduct himself. Positive reinforcement works wonders compared to punishment. The biggest problem parents have is when the child is being good, i.e., playing quietly and not getting in the way, the parent goes about his business and tends to spend less energy and attention on the child. The child is left alone. Only when he acts up does the parent return to deal with the child and discipline him. Most children would rather have Mom or Dad there fussing with them than be left alone, so they act up. Try to reverse this; pay more attention to him, talk to him more, praise him, and deal with him more when he is being good. You’ll find that he’ll stay good longer and will appreciate all he attention. He won’t need to act up.

A child between 12 months and 3 years old is curious about his world. He has no sense of order or cleanliness and just goes about making a mess. This is all normal exploratory behavior. He is not being bad but curious. Parents should not try to stop normal exploratory behavior, yell at the child or punish him. If there is an object that is fragile or expensive and the parent is worried about it, the object should be remove d so that it does not tempt the child. Otherwise, encourage the child to play. A constant stream of “no”, “stop that”, “close that”, “put that back”, etc., is gradually tuned out and ignored by the child.

The important thing is to establish as few rules as possible, deciding in advance what will not be allowed. Make sure the rules are simple and clear—not general reprimands such as “behave”, “stop that” or “be good”. Make sure your expectations of the child are appropriate for his age and ability.

Decide in advance the consequences of breaking the rules, i.e. verbal or nonverbal disapproval, temporary isolation (time out), temporary deprivation of privilege or possession, or physcial punishment. This last form of punishment is not recommended as it lends itself to abuse, teaches that might makes right, focuses on bad behavior, makes the child feel bad about himself, is temporary and usually only serves to make the child feel angrier and more out of control.

If a rule is broken, proceed with one warning. The second time and every time thereafter apply the stated consequences immediately and without anger. Do not nag or lecture. Simply apply the consequences each time.

One of the best consequences for breaking rules, anything from hitting, biting, failure to follow direction, touching the VCR, opening the refrigerator door, etc., is TIME-OUT.

Guidelines for using time-out

1. Select a place for time-out, either a chair, a corner, or a playpen without toys. It should be a dull place, not a scary place.
2. Obtain a portable kitchen timer.
3. Rules—time is started when the child is quiet. It is reset if he makes noises or talks. If he gets up to leave time-out, replace him in the chair.
4. If a rule is broken, simply and calmly say, “You did so-and-so. Go to time-out”. If he doesn’t, put him there with as little fuss as possible.
5. Time out is brief—one minute for every year of age up to 5 years old. Five minutes is plenty for children over 5 years old.
6. After the allotted time-out, go to him and ask if he wants to get up. If he is angry or out of control, simply reset the timer. Once out of time-out do not continue to nag him about the incident. It is wise to take the child to a different part of the house and start him on a new activity. Praise him for his good behavior and use every opportunity to teach him correct behavior.

Special problems occur when there are several different people caring for the child—grandparents, babysitters, Dad, Mom, aunts and uncles. It is very important that everyone who takes care of the child be part of the same team with the same rules and ways of applying consequences. It is the responsibility of Mom and Dad to ensure that each caretaker knows and understands how they wish behavior to be handled.

Temper Tantrums

Children from 15 months to 4 years old have frequent temper tantrums. They are easily frustrated by their greater mobility and freedom, yet have inadequate skills to accomplish desired tasks. They are unsure of the rules and limits and are dealing with their new sense of independence and autonomy.

Many times parents can see a frustrating situation for the child develop (i.e., arguing over a toy with a sibling, frustration over not being able to reach or get something, being tempted by too many new toys or candies that he can’t have, etc.). The parents should try to head off these situations by distracting the child or redirecting the child’s attention.

When the frustration level builds up too fast or is unavoidable, the parents should not give in. Trying to avoid a tantrum or giving in to a tantrum or to whining does not help the child learn to control his impulses and handle frustration. Once a tantrum starts and the child is out of control, the parents should not give in, plead with the child to stop, yell at the child to stop or use physical punsihment. The last two responses often tend to make the tantrum worse.

The best thing to do is to act calmly and let the child regain control, your job is to come back, be very positive and constructively deal with solving the problem through compromise or moving on to another activity, speaking calmly and positively. Praise him for being under control.

If a tantrum occurs in a public place (i.e., supermarket), again, don’t give in. You’ll be tempted to say to yourself, “I’ll just give him the candy, he’ll be quiet and we’ll be able to finish shopping and get out of here without making a scene”. You may avoid a scene that time, but you are teaching him that all he needs to do is threaten to make a scene and he’ll get what he wants. Several things can be done to avoid this problem.

First, don’t make the shopping trip too long. Children have short attention spans and become tired and frustrated. Try to go out when the child is rested. Avoid aisles or places where the child will be overloaded with tempting and enticing items. If a tantrum occurs in a public place, be willing and prepared to drop everything, leave your cart and take the child over to a quiet corner, or even out to the car, and sit him there in time-out until he is quiet. Then return quickly and finish the trip. While this will make a difficult and frustrating trip for you, you will find that if the child knows you will not give in, he will stop.

Mealtime

Many behavioral problems develop at mealtime. First, establish simple rules for mealtime, reasonable for the child’s age, such as being seated while eating, not spitting out food, etc.

Second, teach the child how to behave. He can’t be expected to do what he doesn’t know how to do.

Third, praise all appropriate behavior. Positive reinforcement is the easiest and most powerful way to get the child to do what you want.

Include the child in conversation. If the child feels ignored, he will misbehave just to get attention.

Don’t force the child to eat. Provide small portions he can eat and allow him to ask for more. Do not nag or get upset. At about 9 months old children are beginning to finger feed themselves. Allow them to finger feed even if they make a mess. While they are grappling with a small piece of food, you are often able to slip in a spoonful of your own to them.

Do not give snacks after meals as this teaches him that he doesn’t need to eat at mealtime. Don’t feel guilty. Allow only water until the next meal. If he doesn’t get the snacks, he’ll gradually realize that mealitime is eating time.

Allow a reasonable length of time for the meal, i.e., 30 minutes. If he dawdles and plays and doesn’t eat, simply declare the meal over, clear the table and explain that he can eat at the next mealtime. If the child misbehaves or breaks a rule, remove him from the table for time-out and have him practice correct behavior. If time-out is necessary twice in one meal, the meal is over.

Bedtime and Sleeping Problems

Many times families have problems getting a child to go to bed. Some children may cry and fuss at bedtime. Others awaken at night and cry. Still others get into parents’ bed to sleep.

Establish a bedtime routine and try to stick to it each night. This may include a quiet time, bathroom, drinking, bedtime story and kisses so that the child can wind down before actually being put into bed.

After he is in bed, tell him good night, that you will see him in the morning. Turn off the light and leave the room. You need not close the door, but be sure that he can’t see out into the part of the house that is active and busy or noisy. Do not go back into the room. He may cry for quite a while but going back only teaches the child to cry. After a few nights of consistently not going back, the child will learn to give up and stay quiet. These nights of crying are especially difficult for parents. Some children will cry for hours for the first several nights but after a few nights the child will soon learn to fall asleep.

Most children over 6 months old can sleep through the night (8 hours) without feeding. If the child awakens to fuss, cry or feed, it is not helpful to get in the habit of going in, paying attention to him and feeding him. This will establish a pattern of nighttime feeding. To break this habit, gradually decrease the attention and time you spend with him when he wakes and cries. If your habit is to pick up up, hold and hug him, talk to him and give him a bottle, continue this but give him an ounce or two rather than a full feeding for a few nights; then just hold and talk to him without the bottle but with a toy animal; next, sit close to the crib with your hand on him without picking him up; finally just sit beside the crib without touching or talking to him. You will soon find that he won’t need you there at all.

Remember that transitional objects (stuffed animals, toys and blankets as opposed to a bottle) are very helpful in making a child feel safe and calm and help him fall asleep on his own. While a sick child may be uncomfortable and thereby awaken and need attention at night, as soon as the illness has passed it is important to reestablish a routine for sleeping through the night without the attention or feeding.

Toilet Training

Just as parents cannot force a child to eat, they cannot expect to force a child to use the potty successfully. Potty training is a process of teaching the child how to comfortably and routinely know when he has to use the potty, how to indicate this to the parent, how to lower the pants, sit down and then release the bowel movement.

Some children show readiness after 18 months of age, but many are not interested or able until after 2 or 2½ years of age; boys usually later than girls.

We recommend using a potty chair on the floor, rather than one that fits on the toilet seat, requiring the parent to put the child up and take the child down and with no good foot or hand supports. The floor potty allows for more independence and control.

Parents should start potty training when the child shows readiness and interest, teaching the appropriate language about toileting and an ability to undress. Imitation is the best way to learn. Have the child sit while the parent sits. Do not expect the child to use the potty, just begin the routine.

Children should not be expected to sit on the potty for extended periods of time. Five minutes is sufficient. They can be placed on the potty at times when elimination is likely to occur, such as after a meal.

The training process should be as pleasant as possible with praise and reward for appropriate toilet behavior. Physical punishment has no place in the training process. It does not teach the child and results in bad feelings and possible parent-child conflict. Children who resist the training process should not be forced. Parents should back off, not expecting further performance, and after a waiting period restart from the beginning with positive reinforcement and praise.

Thumbsucking

For most children, thumbsucking is a normal, self-soothing way of handling tension and insecurity. If the parents put a lot of pressure on the child to stop thumbsucking, the child may feel more insecure, lose confidence and thumbsucking may increase. The best way to handle this is not try to stop it, but build positive self-esteem, self confidence and be very attentive and praising of the child when he is not thumbsucking. Substituting a stuffed toy, blanket or other security object often helps the child give up the thumb. Most children will give up thumbsucking by 4 years of age.

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